A SHOCKING MAN 1 Ken Bishop 1993.

A SHOCKING MAN


Leo is one of these unusual people who have no fear of electric fences. Leo can grab any electric fence and hold onto it. He gets shocks of course, but he says it is only mind over matter. He could well be right, but with that ability and his sense of humour he makes life awkward for a lot of people.

Like most good dairy farmers he has had his fences electrified but Leo, being the sort of bloke he is, had to go to the extreme. Even seven wire fences have a hot wire running through them, with single wires strewn out to secure a dirty creek or bog.

Even around the garden he has an outrigger so the cows can't reach over and eat his wife's shrubs. His house stands back a bit from the road but any car coming up the drive is in full view.

Leo is a very neighbourly man and is well liked in the district. The local well know and respect his idiocites for he knows better than to play tricks on them. His main targets are insurance agents and sometimes even religious groups. In his own words, "anyone who comes uninvited to waste his time."

I remember when Leo came late in for lunch after"One of Those Days." Nothing had gone right. His mood didn't change when he saw a big green car turn into his gateway. All he needed right was Larry! A big man and a right pain in the ass! Knew everything, did Larry, and was quick to give advice to all in sundry.

He had been onto Leo about growing 10 acres of kiwifruit but Leo didn't like kiwifruit. He had enough problems running a herd of cows without worrying about prickly green gooseberries. He'd had about enough of Larry's big mouth. and this time he was going to shut it once and for all and he had a plan all worked out. As the car approached, he moved into position.

Larry drove straight up to where Leo was standing and as Larry got out of the car, Leo put his left hand on the hotwire and his right hand on the bonnet. Being such a bid man, Larry usually had trouble getting out of his car but not this time. With a loud 'Yaaa" he fairly flew out. He turned and looked back at the vehicle, a strange expression on his face.

"Hello Larry, what's the matter with you?" asked Leo innocently. "I got a shock. "

"Aw that happens sometimes. Static electricity."

"Yeah? Well it's never happened before." Larry was visibly shaken. In fact, when he held his hand out to

greet Leo, it was almost like he was waving goodbye. Leo gripped the proffered hand firmly. 'Yaaaa."

"What's the hell wrong with you today?"

"I just got another shock." Larry's voice trembled.

Aw rubbish! You're imagining it. Did you have a night on the town r something? You're as nervy as a

cat." Leo scoffed.

Larry was shaking so much he leaned his hand on the bonnet to steady himself. "Yaaaaa!! The bloody car's alive. It must be. "

"For crying out loud Larry! How could it be alive when I've got my hand on it? Do you see me getting a shock?"

Larry put his hand on the bonnet again, lightly this time, and let out another yell.

"What's all the noise about?" Betty's voice called from inside the house. "Who's getting murdered out there?"

Now Larry The Salesman was not her favourite either, and when she came to the front door she soon cottoned onto what was happening.

'Having a spot of trouble, you two?" she called.

"Aw Larry thinks he's gettin shocks. Must have had a hard night or something. How about putting the kettle on?"

He opened the steel gate separating the drive from the house section and without removing his hand, he motioned Larry through.

The "Yaaaaaa" was almost pitiful this time.

"How long has this been going on Larry?" Leo sounded very concerned. "Have you seen a doctor?" "It's .. .it's never happened before. I think I'd better go home."

"It might be a good idea at that." Leo sympathised.

But Larry was scared of the car! Leo had to open the door for him. "See no shocks Larry. Now you hop in and go and see a doctor." Larry got in cautiously, his face very pale.

Leo grinned a she watched him drive off then went onto the front porch for his cuppa. "You're a real swine sometimes," Betty scolded. "That poor man was really shaken. "

"Yeah I reckon he was. But by God, I didn't want him to start on about kiwifruit again. I'd never shut him up. Funny thing, he hardly said a word today. "

Leo watched the tail end of the green car go round the bend then put his cup on the arm of the wooden

chair and went to shut the gate.

The air almost split by the loudest "Y aaaaaaa" you've ever heard. Betty smiled.

Leo came in a few moments later wearing a shamefaced expression.

"And what's so funnyeh? Put my elbow on the bloody thing. It sure gives a man a jolt when he aint expecting it. Get me a couple of aspirins will you love?"

THE END