The Pleasures of Farm Life

The Pleasures of Farm life ~

It was early May, I'd just come~ in from the cowshed, when the phone rang, the call was from Sister Janet, she's a good sort, a bit bossy but good and kind. She didn't waste much time coming to the point. "Any objections to the kids and I, coming up for the holiday's, the house will be due for another tidy-up by now. We'll be up on Sunday, and we'll bring stores etc." "Hell no I'll be glad to see you, I've plenty of tucker. I'm going to kill a beast next week, what do you mean tidy the house up? It's good and tidy. "She laughed and said" I'll bet it is. Never mind we'll see you midday Saturday." After I put the phone receiver back on the phone I thought. "Hell what day is it today, Thursday? no Friday! Hell I haven't got much time.

Janet is a good sort, but she is a bit fussy and often throws old clothes hats and things out, that have a lot of wear in them. Luckily I'm aware of this, so I make my preparations. First I went through the pile of clothes in the washhouse, waiting to be washed, when I get time. Most people don't understand that woollen singlets get worn and very thin under the arms from wearing overalls, the rest of my singlet is good(a lot of wear left in them). So I get a bag and go through the shirts, any a bit tatty I put in the bag, the same with the singlets, teatowels, and overalls that have a few holes. When the bag is full I take it over to the implement shed, jam some bailing twine in the top and either throw them in a comer or hang them on a nail on the wall until she goes home. Then they come out again.

Anyhow I had alot of things to do. I was drying the cows off next week. The homekill chap was coming on Tuesday to do the cattle beast and two pigs. And I had a lot of other jobs before I dry the cows off.

I'd just got in on Sunday morning when Janet arrived, with all the gear that she deemed necessary for their stay. The two boys aged 14 and 12, John and Alex had sprung up a quite a bit since the Christmas holidays. The two girls, Sharon and Trixie 9 and 7, were about the same. Actually I gave Janet and Morrie credit the kids were well mannered, but pretty gullible in many ways. Perhaps all town kids are, I don't know many. As they were carrying in all the gear, I said "Where's the kitchen sink". They all looked at me " Haven't you got one", asked Sharon "yeah I think so, but I haven't seen it for a while". Trixie flew inside and came out and said "Yes, you have got one, don't you use it. "Hardly ever ,in wastes time". "Then how do you wash your dishers?" . Trixie wanted to know. "What do you think I keep dogs for?" "Getting the cows in" replied Sharon. "Don't try to tell us Uncle, that the dogs do the dishers. Dogs can't wash dishers". "See here kids, don't dare tell your Mum, she has some funny ideas and might take you home again, but I put the dishers and the pots out on the lawn there and when I let the dogs off) they lick them as clean as a whistle". They both looked at the lawn screwed up their faces up, Ooh Uncle, thats gross. Just then Janet came outside, and said "come on you kids go and get changed into your farm clothes". While there were away we chatted a bit of family news, complementing each other on how well we each looked, as siblings always seemed to do. I inquired about Morrie, "Oh he's good really, it's football season", "yeah I know, right in his element again eh?" Old Morrie is the expert on football in N.Z .. .I think, good bloke though.

Sharon was the fIrst to emerge, "Mum, Uncle asked why we didn't bring the kitchen sink, it's one of his jokes isn't it?" "Well, I asked, you seemed to have brought everything else, but not the sink. " Janet looked at me accusingly and said. "By the look of it we should have brought ours. Have you been washing your socks in it
again?" "No, Oh hell no its the colour stain of the water that makes it look like that." I hope you don't let your stain colour your milking plant like that." I stood up to my full height of 5'4" and said "certainly not, I'd get a grade if I did". What's a grade uncle?" Max wanted to known. "Well if that milkingtplants gets dirty, bugs get in my milk and send it off, test at the factory picks it up and you get a down grade and you get paid a lot less". It a pity the factory doesn't run tests on the house and grade your milk on that". Janet can be a bit harsh at times. "Your brother Dave's house is spotless, and he lives on his own to now". "Yeah but his farm is a damned disgrace, broken gates and fences, thistle's and ragwort everywhere, and that bird he's got, spends a lot of time up there. She cleans it up, I know that". "Anyhow come and have some lunch I brought some food with us." She produced some nice things to eat, Filled roll's etc. I noticed the kids tried not to put anything on their plates, and grinned to myself. "Did you really wash your socks in the kitchen sink uncle?" Trixie wanted to know. No they fell in while I was carrying an armful of washing past the sink and they must have fallen in without me noticing it, and your mum and dad come unexpectedly and your mum saw them," Janet gave me a squinty look and said "I have grave doubts about that, I couldn't find any other washing". "Well I suppose I'd better show the kids around, you want to come Janet". "No I've a bit of cleaning up to do here first, tomorrow perhaps". "Hell sis, you haven't been here long enough to make a mess yet, just relax a bit and come for a walk".

I might have imagined it, but a bit of a spasm ran up her back, and she quickly replied "No I've a lot to do here before I can relax." Well I thought to myself, "She always had a few funny idea's, and left her to it. We walked down to the shed, the kids were like rabbits running everywhere. "What's this, what's that, what's this for," as town kids always seemed to do. My mind got pretty fuddled after a while, answering all their questions. When they saw a heifer standing looking at them, poking her tongue in one nostril and then the other. All asked at once "What's she do that for?" When she did it again, I answered "well cows don't have hankies, and they have to wipe their noses the same as anything else." "Ooh gross," they all said at once. "Do all cows do that?" "Yes of course. so do dogs and cats, lots of animals do."

I took some milk and meal over to the pigs sties. I like pigs, I like to let them out of the sties for the afternoons, and they all take off for a run, grunting, chasing each other, then after a couple of minuets, often they would just collapse and lie down. Pigs are the clowns of the domesticated animals I think. After a while they would get up and tear back to the sty to see what was going on. The kids were enthralled. This was exciting stuff. Now when pigs run around loose they have a habit of rooting up patches of ground and making a great mess. To counter act this most pigs have rings put in their noses, this doesn't worry them in any way, except they can't root up the ground.

As soon as the kids saw the rings they wanted to know what they were for. when I told them "It was to stop them rooting." John the eldest, gave a scornful look and said "don't hand me that one uncle, rings in their noses wouldn't stop them from doing that!" I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him. Well, well, well our John was now a man of the world. I got my tins and wandered off. The kids, hung around for a bit. But soon after the girls caught me up. Full of questions about this and that and one thing and another. "Where are the ducks, where are the sheep, where are the cows.

By 3pm I was completely in a daze so decided it was smoko time. When I headed for the house the kids all took off and when, they were all talking to Jan at once. I put the


jug on for a cup of tea, and Jan asked, "what stories have you been telling them now, cows not having hankies and pigs not being able to breed?" "Hell and Tommy of course cows don't have hankies. But I never said anything about pigs not being able to breed, someone's got their wires crossed somewhere." Janet changed the subject. "How many pairs of overalls have you got?" "Oh, three or four maybe more." "Well its like this Jan, at this time of the year, when the weather is changeable, I sometimes take my clothes of and leave them in the shed or something they can dry on the hot water cylinder, then I've always got a dry pair or two on hand." That'll settle her down I thought. "Well I better go and do my chores."

The kids were outside and we all marched off to feed the chooks, calves, ducks etc. It didn't take long, but no hen eggs. Funny I though there should have been at least a dozen. Upon arrival at the shed I noticed a big yellow stain on the floor. Then Trixie said "sorry uncle we were collecting them for you, and I fell over and they all broke, and the other chooks ate them.'We had a bit of a yam collecting eggs, and the pro's and con's. When we got back inside, Janet asked me how long the bath plug hole had been blocked. "Well I don't know because I don't use it much, I only shower." "It's got course hairs in it." I didn't have the courage to tell her we had scalded a pig in it a couple of months back. As I said before Janet has some funny idea's. "I'll take the pipe off in the morning and check it. Okay."

Janet being a good cook turned out a good feed that night, but I couldn't help but notice the kids weren't that keen on cleaning their plates up. In fact they seemed to go to a lot of trouble eating the meal without actually touching the plate, with their knives and forks. I went to great length to keep Jan talking so she wouldn't notice. Everybody gave a hand that night to do the dishers, as there was no way those kids were going to let me put them on the lawn. In fact I weren't even allowed in the kitchen, I can tell you that those dishers were the cleanest they have ever been. Included when they were brand new.

After milking the next morning (which was a community effort). The tribe decided to come with me on the tractor whilst I fed out, and shifted the electric fences. All managed to get at least one electric shock each, the girls managed to get bogged in the swamped, and had to be pulled out. The job took twice as long as it usually takes, however it was company and had a lot of humour with it. On arrival back at the house I was fronted with the job of the blocked bath plug hole.

With Stilt sons and pipewrenches in hand, I proceeded dismantle the offending pipe. Once removed, to the horror of my audience, the hole was blocked all right. I pulled the gunk out and put it into a bucket where Janet happened to spy some feathers as well as pig bristles. "How did they get in there?" she said. It was at this stage I knew I was in trouble. "How did you get pig hair and chook feathers down the plug hole." Time for some quick thinking. Grabbing the bull by the horns I replied "well sometimes when you're handling the pigs and chooks their feathers and bristles get in your pocket and all over you." She's no fool is our Janet, "I suppose you then have a bath with all your clothes on, to get rid of the feathers and bristles eh. It sounds a little far fetched to me, you had better come up with something better than that one." Meanwhile the kids were just standing there watching and waiting for me to get out of the hole I'd got my self into. It was dear little Trixie that saved the day.

"Oh uncle I'll bet you fell in the bath by accident after the pig chased you inside, and you had just been plucking a chook and you had a bucket full of feathers and the pig thought it was food." even J an had to laugh at that, and said, "yes to save time, he ran the bath and sat in it and had a bath with all his clothes on, and the pig got in too," Jan looked at me and shook her head. "Mum would turn in her grave, if she knew you were scalding pigs and chooks in her lovely new bath." Conveniently at that moment I remembered I hadn't let the pigs out and had to hurry away. Later on when I returned and went inside, the house had been transformed. Janet had tided up everything.

That night Jan and I went through the farm accounts (she's an accountant). "I must say with all your untidy house keeping, the farm is doing very well indeed, it a credit to you." "Well the farm won't make money unless it's farmed properly, and I don't spend much time in the house, every hour I spend in the house is an hour less spent on the farm work." She agreed.

Next day we went for a walk around the farm, I told her, the water was becoming a problem, with more stock the bigger the demand. We were talking about this when the kids come running up to tell us a cow was in the water hole where the pump shed was, we went over to find a heifer had got herself bogged in, illustrating our water problem perfectly. An hour or two later with the help of the tractor we extracted her unharmed. Leaving the kids to ponder over the muddy water. They all come to the conclusion that water was definitely off the menu. I didn't bother telling them the house water was from a different pump and would't be affected.

Next day I was pottering around waiting for the homekill chap to arrive, I had a beast to kill in the yard with a couple of other cows to keep it company. The kids were away somewhere when Jan come over and I asked where they were. I told her the chap was coming to kill the bullock and the pigs, and maybe she wouldn't want them to see.

She suprised me. "We saw Dad kill animals for meat and it didn't do us any harm. If they arrive let them watch." So it happened. As the truck arrived so did the kids. They stood back and watched. Jim, the butcher, is a master at his job. In 20 minutes he the bullock shot, gutted, weighed and on the back of the truck. They were astounded at the amount of offal that come out of the beast. Then the pigs were done, I had the water boiling, in no time at all the pigs were shot, scolded, gutted, and also in the truck. With a hooray and a wave Jim drove off. "What's going to happen to all the guts uncle?" "That's what we'll live on for a week" I answered. With that I pulled out my knife and started to remove the liver and other titbits and said. "Well time for lunch!" They reckoned they weren't hungry, but young people are not very good at fasting. I lit a fire and put some netting over it and waited.

Just then old Charlie our Maori neighbour come along with his wife and 4 kids. Charlie took over. "This was real good Kai." He took all the titbits I'd cut off and put on the netting and old disc blade (barbecue) and waited until itwas ready to eat, turning them occainsally to hasten cooking time. He showed them how to get a piece which was cooked, hold it upin the air, and licked the fat off his arm. " Pai Korry real good Kai this one." In on time at all, all were eating their fill including our fussy Jan. I stood and said "the country life has pleasures that town folk never know about."

After everyone had eaten their fill, Charlie took some other titbits and some fat, put them in a sack to render down. The kids were amazed, they looked like Eskimo's, grease from head to foot. Young John said, "Uncle I never knew meat could taste so good, when are you going to kill again?" Charlie said "you haven't tried anything yet, wait to you try smoked eel." Janet said to me on the side, "It's time we got these kids home before they turn to savages" With a big smile on her face she said, "and we don't want them to turn out like you now do we? But to be honest they could turn out a lot worse."

Anyhow a couple of days later Morrie arrived, I didn't have much trouble enticing him to my brewing shed. After a couple of samples he said "you know you old bugger the kids have had a hell of a good time. They have certainly learnt some new things up here. But what's this eating cows guts business?" I laughed and told him, "At this time Janet called out for Morrie as it was time to go.

Here things weren't that easy. Trixie was crying because she wasn't allowed to take the three kittens I had given her home. Max was out of sorts because he couldn't take the little eels he had in a jar, Sharon wasn't allowed to take the bantam hen and her 5 chicks, John was sulking because he wasn't allowed the cow skin, home made boots. They weren't bad boots either, be a bit hard when the skin dried, and I copped a lecture on my housekeeping skills and the need for a housekeeper. After our gooddbyes etc. the car went out the gate, a great silence fell over the whole farm.

I went over to the house, it was tidy and neat, but hell I couldn't find a thing, all my notes I had written on Park Drive packets were gone. Notes here and there telling me where this and that were to be found. I wandered over to the implement shed to get my clothes. Holy Hell! All the clothes had been cut into little strips, and a note attached explaining how they would make good cleaning rags to clean the tractors etc. This was the last straw, I was almost in a state of shock. Hell those clothes still had a couple of years left in them, probably more. Bloody waste of money.

You know I really love Janet she's a real good women and a great sister. But boy has she got some strange idea's. So I went over to my brewery shed. Poured a glass of plum wine, opened a bottle of beer and settled down. Thank god the brewing room had a lock on it, I thought, and shudder to think what would have happened if she'd got in here too!

THE END