Herbie’s Wild Ride © Ken Bishop

Herbie’s Wild Ride

Herbie was a little man, mild mannered, polite and dominated by his wife Martha was a most formidable woman.

He milked about 40 cows on a pretty hungry place, all the kids had left home except Molly who was 18 and not very bright, and a younger son about 11 who wasn’t very bright either and was pretty spoilt.

Molly and Herbie used to milk, a pretty slow job as the milking machines were not in very good order.

One morning Herbie saw Molly being sick behind the shed. He knew what that meant which was a real worry. He’d have a problem milking on his own; Martha wouldn’t go near the shed.

So when he took the cows up the road to a paddock, he put the cows in the paddock and shut the gate. He was slowly walking home contemplating his problem when one of the Armstrong boys came down the road in his flash new sports car. Richard was a son of the Armstrong’s who owned a big station at the end of the road and were pretty wealthy.

Richard had a nasty habit of driving flat out, and Herbie was scared he’d get run over. He was very surprised when Richard pulled up and said, “Hop in Herbie and have a ride”.

Herbie was nothing loathe, he’d never owned a car and promptly got in after carefully wiping his gumboots on the fern by the road. Richard had a cloth for Herbie to sit on as he had a good share of cow muck on his clothes. He’d no sooner got settled when the car went off with a whoosh, in no time it was flying. Herbie was very excited as he’d never gone as fast as this in his life. When they got near Herbie’s house he waved to Richard and said, “I live here”. Richard said, “Yes I know, your house needs painting” and planted his foot harder.

Herbie was bewildered and getting scared, the car was skidding around corners. Sleepy Tom Brown was as usual bringing his cream out in the block dray. Tom was asleep sitting on the shaft behind Peggy, his old draught mare. They were just on the road when Richard bore down on them, he couldn’t stop so flashed in front of Peggy right under her nose. She spun around as if she’d been shot, Tom fell off and Herbie could see her gallop off for home. The cream cans fell over and would have split. Herbie didn’t like Tom and was pleased about this, but he wasn’t pleased about his own predicament.

He nudged Richard, saying he wanted to stop, but Richard took no notice and after a quarter of an hour they hit the main road. Herbie was relieved, knowing Richard would stop and let him out but no, Richard turned at the corner and headed towards Wellington and on the bitumen they went even faster.

Herbie was almost numb with fear. The wind was blinding him in the open roadster. Time stood still, Herbie couldn’t control his bladder but luckily he peed in his gumboot.

On and on they went and after passing several towns they started to climb the RimaTukas. In those days it wasn’t at all a good road, winding and very narrow in places. Richard was really enjoying himself, he was laughing and nudging Herbie, “Great eh Herb, did you see the roadman there jump over the bank. Probably break his neck or maybe just a leg”. Herbie could only gurgle, he was in a very comatose state.

Richard the lunatic was thrilled he had a passenger to witness his antics. Coming down the other side of the Rimatukas was even worse.

After some time the car stopped and Richard said, “Here we are Herb. We are at the Wellington Railway Station. I’m really pleased you enjoyed yourself; we’ll do it again sometime. Here, here’s some money to get a feed and pay your fare home. The train goes back today I think”. He pushed a ₤10 note in Herbie’s hand (a lot of money in those days).

Herbie got out of the car somehow and stood on the footpath shaking like a leaf, he leaned against a power pole, people were taking a wide detour around him and remarks like “shocking, scandalous, disgraceful” were some of the kinder words used. Herbie had his senses about him again now and was very embarrassed to say the least. A policeman on his beat came along and said, “Good God man, you’ve had a night of it haven’t you?”

He sniffed Herbie and said, “Hell, I can’t smell grog on you but my god you stink. Did you sleep in a cowshed somewhere?”

Herbie shook his head. The constable was very nonplussed. “Have you got any money on you?” Herbie nodded, put his hand in his pocket and brought out the tenner. “Where did you come from?” Herbie whispered. “Tinui”.

The constable felt sorry for Herbie, and steered him into the railway station, made enquiries about trains. He bought a ticket for Herbie and told him the train would leave in an hour and a half. He went and got Herbie a cup of tea, had a bit of talk and realised Herbie had had a trick played on him. He told a porter to make sure Herbie got on the train and left.

It was quite a warm day and the sour milk, cow muck and Herbie’s urine in his gumboot made an unpleasant smell to say the least. He was oblivious to anything and the remarks of people standing near or walking past made him shrivel up like a snail that’s crawled over salt.

When he finally got on the train people refused to sit by him, luckily the train wasn’t full so he had a bit of peace.

When he finally arrived home after dark the cows were in the yard. Molly couldn’t milk on her own and it was about midnight when he got inside. The unloving Martha saw him come inside, she kicked ....

Unfinished story